I'm famous!

Yeah, not really... But i was in the paper today. For the lamest quote ever. I wanted them to say things about how cool the yoga studio I go to is, and all they quoted me on was my disappointment in Terrell Owens. OH WELL! I just find it funny that in like 2 months I’ve been on the news twice and in the paper once. All because I do yoga. Who knew!?!??!

So today is a busy day. ACK! Lots and lots to do! I’m just desperately trying to cross things off of my list. I really just need to sit here and do ONE THING, but that’s not working so well for me. NOW I have run across town buying computer parts. And this weekend I have to get together the books and things i’m going to need for my new “Reading Library”. I’m excited about it and all, but it’s a lot of work!

I am, however, really excited because I bought some new CDs. I got the latest one from Esthero which is immediately my new favorite CD. I also got the Damien Rice “9” one. It’s a bit slower, but really good. And JUST NOW I downloaded the latest Chris Randall CD. In case you don’t know, I have developed a mild obsession with the front man of Sister Machine Gun. He has such a mesmerizing voice. I even love reading his blogs. He’s an educated, yet angry, guy - and generally cracks me up! Well, since SMG disbanded, he’s put out his first solo album. I listened to it online the other day and LOVED it, and today it was available to purchase. Can’t wait to listen to it in the car! That’s the true test of music. Instead of smoking weed and talking bout how cool something sounds... I prefer to listen to it in the car. That’s where it sounds its best to me :D

Okie dokie... I got a bunch to do. Talk to ya later!!!!

Soooo....

Guess who is TERRIBLE at African dancing. Um, yeah - that would be me! I think that was the most embarrassing thing i’ve done all year. Okay, ok, it’s only February, but it’s gonna be hard to beat - let me just tell you. Talk about my inner white girl staging the ULTIMATE rebellion. Move both my arms and legs? I DON’T THINK SO! Now, here’s my dilemma... Do I accept defeat and learn my lesson and NEVER do that again? Or do I stubbornly continue to subject myself to guaranteed humiliation until I get it right? Well???....

Otherwise, things just keep getting busier and busier at work. However, when that happens my brain says to me - “Well, yeah, that’s a lot of work. You don’t even know where to start. Therefore, you should do nothing.” I’m trying to reason myself out of that conversation right now.

Last night I sat down in front of a MOUNTAIN of receipts and vowed to start organizing for my taxes. I got thru the sorting part, that’s easy. But then came the time to get the calculator and there went my brain again... “Well, yeah, that’s a lot of work.... You should just go to bed...” And that’s exactly what I did. Thank goodness my tax appt isn’t for another few weeks.

Day 1

So today is February 1st. Seems like a good day to start a new habit. One of the things I’ve been learning with my Paul Cummings training is that “If your life’s worth living, then it’s worth recording.” I’ve always found writing to be therapeutic. Some of my most upset moments have been soothed by writing in a journal. Not that you could read the writing because I was upset, and I always have loved typing, so this seems perfect!

I am a little upset at the traffic this morning. Since my morning yoga classes have been canceled (I was the only one showing up) I thought i would get up at thttp://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=1282768360622084167&postID=463198166969444966#he same time and head to work instead. For some reason though, I got up in the shower an HOUR earlier than normal, got on the road FORTY FIVE minutes earlier than normal, yet only arrived at work about 30 minutes early. How does that happen? I really hate traffic. Want to hear my broken record? Here it is: “I wish i still worked from home!”

Tonight I’m leaving work early. (You know, 5pm is early for me) so that I can go to an African dance class. My yoga studio is pretty cool, they have everything from belly dancing, to ballet... african dance to pole dancing... I’ve pretty much only tried the YOGA classes. For those of you who don’t know me so well - tonight will be a big night for me. My inner anxiety level is THRU THE ROOF in fear of attempting something I’ve never done before. I practice what i like to call “Counterphobia” where things that absolutely terrify me are the things I wind up forcing myself to do.

Anyways, i’ll let you know how it goes. My day is almost over and I should just publish this and get on with the monumental amount of work i have to do.

Something New

My mind is always working. I’d say I have some sort of thought I’d like to share with world every couple of hours. SO, I’ve decided I can blog away some of this restless mental energy.

It’s time for bed right now, but tomorrow - WATCH OUT!

Mind Fuck

Seriously, no one can truly fuck you up like your mother. I know it has different effects on boys and girls, but WHEW... my mom... I can't even put her into words.

I think the SICKEST part of all of it, is that I'm just like her. Stubborn, strong willed, independent, headstrong... (When I have to be that is... I'm not sure how I come accross to others since I'm desperate to please and fear I come accross as rather submissive... But I guess that's just because it's what I want to do...) However, we always seem to be that way AGAINST each other. And you know what that means? That means "I Lose" because she's the mom, she's older, she's just that much more evil.

Sadly she doesn't see how she has created this competition between the two of us. She's always saying how proud she is of me, how far I've made it in life at this age compared to her, how she loves me, fights for me, needs me, but then she's quick to remind me she's still better. When I bought my cute little sports car, she was the first to remind me that she had a Mercedes 600 series AMG. When i built my new home, she was quick to inform me that her house cost close to a million dollars. When i got my 1st coach purse, she went and bought a bigger one. When I told her I've been sticking to my diet and I've lost 10 lbs so far, she has apparently lost 20. When I mention how hard my divorce and excommunication from church is on me, I get a 2 hour speech on how much more aweful her marriage to my father was or how unfair her own reinstatement was. When I say I feel pretty, she reminds me that she was professional model when she was my age. When I say how well I'm doing at my job or that I got a raise or that I've just crossed the 10 year mark, she's the 1st to say how fortunate she was to find a man who takes such good care of her and that she doesn't have to work.

I can't win. I'm never enough. My whole life I've been fighting, fighting SO hard to prove to ANYONE that I am something good. But it's never ENOUGH. I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, fun enough, established enough, successful enough, tough enough, good enough, gracious enough... ANYTHING ENOUGH!

It's maddening.

And I'm not sitting here saying that I really feel that way. Of course, the rational side of me says there is always someone out there who is going to be better than you. I can't be perfect. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm tired. Keeping any sort of self esteem and blocking all those thoughts out of my mind is EXHAUSTING. Especially when she calls me OFTEN and this just keeps happening. Have you figured out yet that I just got one of those calls this morning?

And when I told her how I felt, her words were "Well, you are dead wrong." And when I got upset and screamed and cursed at her, she said that I was sick and twisted and that she would just never call me again because she couldn't take the emotional beatings that I KEEP giving her. When I asked her not to martyr herself of the phone, she cried hysterically and said she's just fighting for me and missed me and needed me, but that I was heartless and made her feel like she could never do anything right or be good enough for me.

... silence ...

Maybe I really am sick and twisted. Maybe I am the martyr. Maybe anything... I have nothing to ground myself. No guage to let me know whether I'm swimming up or down. But I have to be tough for my brother. I have to be tough for myself. I have to be tough for her. And I just have to block all that out and stand on my own 2 feet. Make up my mind that I'm fine and just work on being good and loving and kind and honest so that no one else will ever say I've created these feelings in them. I may be the only one I know with THIS exact situation, but I am certainly not alone in dealing with trialsome family issues. It's good to know I'm not alone.

Thanks for reading this. If you think I'm really fucked up, please tell me and straighten me out. I fear I need a reality check. LOL.