I just met that Murphy guy and let me tell you, he's a Mother F****r!

You know Murphy right? That guy who makes it rain right after you wash your car? That guy who magically makes a bill show up for the exact amount of your tax return? Yeah, that guy. What a douche.

He just got to me too. I was really excited to finally pay off my car. Then mother fucker Murphy showed his fat unwanted ass up.

First the title came in the mail which was a joyous day!

THEN - a gigantic boulder game flying out of nowhere and cracked the windshield in an unrepairable way!

It's ok, it's ok - I can deal.

THEN, I found this note on my car while innocently shopping at Target.

Yeah. Someone backed into my car and drove away. I found the damage too - A dent in the rear passenger wheel and it ripped the wheel wells protective lining out of its clips. SIGH.

AND THEN... TODAY... after working an 11 hour day and mustering the last drop of energy to still go to the gym, I get in my car to come home and get some food and what do I see?

 See that there on the bottom left?  Yep, the engine light.

Really, Murphy? REALLY? You and all your STUPID laws are pushing my last button.

SIGH.

It's a good car. It's a new car. I take good care of my stuff. I'm not some dumb girl who avoids oil changes or maintenance or even car washes. UGH. Why would all this happen right after it's paid? So disheartening.

Everybody hates that girl...

You know that girl..? The one who picks apart every detail of her body? Who stares in the mirror and pokes and pinches and prods at herself? The one who bitches and moans and apologizes about the size of her jeans or a double chin, but does absolutely NOTHING about it?

Yeah, I hate that girl! Everybody hates that girl!

Unfortunately, I was that girl. I never really considered myself fat, but I was just about busting out of a size 10 at one point. I can admit it - at my heaviest ever I weighed 142 lbs. Granted I'm 5'7" so it's not the end of the world, but I certainly wasn't happy. I'll show you pictures to prove it. NEVER BEFORE SEEN UNFLATTERING PICTURES.

Yeah, those suck... Looking at those fills me with shame. Hours I stared at and hated myself. Lusted after skinny girls in magazines. Destroyed photos. Avoided bathing suits like the plague. Know what I did about it? Not a goddamn thing! I ATE... I DRANK... I sat on my large ass and watched TV and I blah blah blah'd about it.

Then thanks to a very stressful time in my life (layoffs, paycuts, moves, breakups, religion, woe, etc) I lost 25 lbs! Know what's funny? Nothing changed. I looked pretty darn good, but STILL I hated parts of me.

Everyone hates THAT girl too.

Then I gained 10lbs of that 25 BACK! ACK! WAKE UP CALL! Truth is I wasn't healthy. I wasn't exercising, I was eating all the time (HEY EVERYONE KNOWS I LIVE AND BREATH FOOD RIGHT?) I was drinking 100+ oz of Mtn Dew every day. I got bad news at the doctors office that I only had 53% lung capacity. I was a mess and it finally dawned on me I had to do something about it!

I wanna love my body because I earned it. I wanna be proud of my efforts. I wanna be able to breath and do stuff without being winded. I don't want to get the beginnings of a cold and have it turn instantly into bronchitis or something lung related.

Plus, in looking back on my 30+ years, you know what? You only get older. You only get fatter. Exercising and losing weight and changing habits only gets HARDER!

I work in an industry where our main client demographic is 70+. Some I see with their oxygen tanks and their canes and their pills and their difficult life. Then there are some who are vibrant and active and happy. This contrast has motivated me to start a revolution in my life. I want to set up my future for one of vibrancy and activity and LIFE!

So, why am I eating healthy, and sacrificing oh so yummy junk food, and working out 5 days a week? Certainly not because it's easy, or fun, or inexpensive, or fits in my schedule. CERTAINLY NOT!

So, folks, there you have it. Embarrassing fat pictures and all. That is why I work out and work so hard. That is why I FORCE myself to stick to this path. I may not love it now, but 30 years from now I don't want to look back and say, YOU KNOW, I coulda ate one less candy bar. I coulda skipped 30 minutes of some stupid reality show and went for a jog, but I didn't and now I'm a mess. Yeah, that would be a shame.

Plus, I really want to go to Vegas for my birthday in July and be as hot as humanly possibly in the most inappropriate bathing suit ever made. SO, see you at the gym tomorrow? YEP, I'll be there!

QUICK Weekend Update

Oh my gosh, I've been gone. I've been down. I've been up. I've been all over the place.

Here's a quick recap in pictures.

Starting Thursday, my parents went up to their friends cabin and I got to hang with my brother. It was pretty cool as we don't really spend much time together. Even when I'm there, he's all wrapped up in his phone and his video games, so now he was all mine.

We went to the gym together and the child wore jeans. JEANS! It was unbelievable! I am SO JEALOUS of someone who doesn't know what it's like to experience shame. HA!

I do love food and he's 17 and hollow, so he likes to eat too. We went and tried Chapala grill which was very tasty. We went and tried Batter Up Pancakes which was delicious!

We went to the Tower District Saturday night and watched Travis Sheridens "Man in Labor" Rogue show. That was entertaining and I won a $50 gift certificate to Trelio's! I AM SO STOKED ABOUT THAT!

On Sunday we ventured Downtown and tried lunch at Iron Bird Cafe. This was really really tasty and I would like to go back there again for lunch sometime soon!

After mom and dad got home, I was unsuccessful at fixing her iPod which was frustrating for all! Sorry mom, your house is like a Technological Bermuda Triangle. Some weird unexplained shit happens within those 4 walls.

When I got home Sunday night I decided to make myself a (fake) Chicken Caesar Salad. Everyone makes fun of me because I'm just cooking for me and just make and eat it straight out of a big bowl. What's the point of serving it into a smaller bowl when I'm just going to eat it all anyways? It just dirties another bowl. So here's a picture... Make fun of me all you want!

And sometimes, life is just rough and you need a nice glass of wine to savor. Cheers my friends!

On the note, daylight savings time is kicking my butt and getting to work at 7am tomorrow is going to punish me severely. SO I better get to bed! GOOD NIGHT!

The Golden Boy

What's it like? What's it like to be spoiled rotten? Some people may think my life was something to be fancied. Yeah, we lived in a nice house. So what, I had a pony. Maybe we had the RV's and the houseboat and the speed boat and the jet skis. Possibly you heard we traveled around the country for weeks at a time. Okay, I admit, we lived WELL.

But no.

My bitterness and jealousy can be checked by NO ONE.

I don't even think I can name the WORK I did. Everything from pouring cement to digging ditches. Juicing 75 lb bags of carrots for an ailing mother dying of a brain tumor (she lived) to caring for a baby that wasn't mine. (15 yrs my junior brother) From delivering firewood to painting fences. Removing wallpaper to raking up the the fallen leaves of nearly TWO HUNDRED trees. There was no mercy. There was no cable. There was no prom, no music, no football games. I was denied after school participation in Forensics. (Not dead bodies, but debate! NERD STUFF!) Denied when I was IN school that is. I gave up my freshmen and senior year to home studies so I could serve the needs of my family. Oh and do not doubt for a second... through all of that, I brought home straight A's. I worked part time caring for my ailing grandparents. Did everything I could to prove myself a good and worthy person.

Then enter THE GOLDEN BOY. That sweet curly headed boy. The boy who does whatever the fuck he wants to and gets rewarded for simply existing. He's brought home bad grades. He's had some "incidents" with the law. He's fully enveloped in teenage angst and apathy. Yet, he's the GOLDEN BOY.

I want good for him. Hell, I want the BEST for him. BUT some days I think he needs to fucking earn it. Pay his dues like I PAID. I don't know why I fight for him. Mom says it's because I'm fighting for myself. She's probably right.

Drive a brand new car? Live in the city in a mansion across the street from the school and your after school robotics program? Have a cell phone? Get a brand new iPod touch? Take out of town trips with the school? Play your video games and have your friends over? I die a little inside every time I hear about it.

Do you know I got yelled out for reading too much? For always having my nose buried in a book and not watching where we were driving? I begged to go to school on time even when it was foggy day schedule! I ditched class to go to OTHER classes!

REALLY? Yeah, really.

Carry on with your bad self, but steer clear of me. My vitriol and jealousy knows no bounds.

The struggle

I hate the gym. People say "have fun at the gym" to me when I leave work. WHO HAS FUN AT THE GYM? I'm only doing half an hour a day (5 days a week) right now of cardio. That's anything from eliptical to running as much as 4 miles. If I don't meet my fitness goals, I have in my head I need to increase my time to one hour a day. OMG. That's stupid. It's no wonder people just DON'T do that business.

It's like all those hours I waste trying on clothes and crying alone in the dressing rooms wondering why god cursed me with such a deformed body so that I realize why other people just dress really shitty - because looking good and finding clothes that fit your body is painful and awful.

I hope all this work pays off. I seems like I'm just sitting in my house, but in reality I'm at my limit. I'm working. I'm experiencing THE STRUGGLE.

Last week I learned that everyone at my work is watching my cooking show. I can only imagine they've now found this blog too. Am I that interesting? I really just want to disappear. I don't want to, but I want to. I'm such a contradiction. I hate people judging me, yet I put all my thoughts out on the internet. I want to just fade away, yet I want everyone to know and like me and to leave a legacy of SOMETHING.

MEH

Carry on.

I'm tired...

I love blogging. I love telling everyone my most personal thoughts and feelings and really putting myself out there for whatever.

Then I get struck right in the eyes with an overwhelming desire to go hide! Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. Really feeling the urge to regroup - again.

Sometimes I think people care a lot more about mundane things than they really do. Like, while I waffle between working out and/or never eating again and maybe sleeping for the next 5 years until circumstances change, do you know what I have to deal with?

Yup, a roommate that occasionally grieves me with her decisions. Like it's bad enough that we have 2 irons and 2 ironing boards (can't we just fucking share?) but she keeps her iron on the kitchen counter and irons her clothes there on the wood countertop. I don't know if I want to live anymore. This is unfathomable suffering for me.

So, on that note, I'll take my leave again. Be good, I'll be back :)