Monumental restraint

I'd like to start by saying that I'm a shopper. I've broke many a person at the mall. I met my match today. My mom showed me how it was done AND SHE'S handicapped at the moment. She had a hip replacement less than a year ago Because of some injuries from a car accident. 7 hours at the Fashion Show Mall here in Vegas on black friday no less and I am SPENT! and I didn't buy even ONE thing! That is monumental restraint right there! Although I did lust after this pair of sunglasses: (FYI - $500 is why I didn't buy them...)


I would have bought this dress and it was on sale, but they didn't have my size :(


However, sometimes, if you spend enough time at the mall, you make a discovery so splendid. So wonderful. So fascinating. You must share it with the world! Among other things, I'm also a shoe person. I don't even care if they are womens shoes. I love mens shoes too! But then I came across THIS:

Actually, you may enjoy the many many details here. In case you didn't know, yes, that's velcro! What's your fancy? GOLD? GOLD PLATING? LEOPARD PRINT? JEWELS? THESE HAVE IT ALL!!

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. The wearer of these shoes is LOADED! And by loaded I mean either or. They are either HEAVILY sedated or high as a fucking kite... OR they have so more money than you will ever understand. When a little old lady comes into our dealership and she's got those gold sequined keds - she's ready to make a deal! And not on a cheap RV! hahahahahaha

Vegas is such a rare city. I can't even count how many times I've been here. Most people refer to it as Sin City and oh how I know it can be, but actually I haven't had a drink since we got here, we don't gamble, and we're all not really interested in the strip clubs... so what does that leave?

EVERYTHING! This place is so grand. There is everything from Picasso to Sharks! Ferrari's to Pirate Ships. Tigers to Volcano's. And EVERYTHING turns into a show. Whether its the marble statues that come to life or the cartoon on the bigscreen over the escalators that talks to you. Shoot, there was some crazy song and dance at the mall. This giant Christmas Tree raised up into the air and santa and all his slight slutty helpers came tumbling and singing out from underneath it! LOL

Here's my brother and I today :)


OHHH, and don't forget the food!!! The glorious food! I pretty much lost my mind yesterday. And I've eaten here many times, but the Buffet at the Treasure Island is SO GOOD! I'd like to start by telling you, I'm not a dessert person. Blasphemy, yes I know, but give me some chips or crackers or french fries. I'm a salty savory carb girl hands down. If you know me, you know this. HOWEVER, notice I was SO moved, I actually took multiple pictures with my dessert!


They had a fucking cotton candy machine!!!! Yeah... that's right, you read correctly. It was phenomenal!



Well, that's my post. Hope your weekend is going great! Talk to ya soon!

Life is good

So, this is probably going to bore the few that read this, but I write for me not you, so it's ok.

It's thanksgiving day. I'm in my parents rv and we're cruising into vegas as I type this. I'm gonna do the typical 'I'm thankful' post cuz life really can be good :)

I have ALWAYS loved RV's. My parents had one all my life and we've travelled the country, stopping at neat places we came across, resting when needed, eating home cooked food, using our own bathroom. Harmar is just crusing next to me on the couch. It is truly a lifestyle I believe in. Hands down I will own an rv someday.

For work I travel a lot. Funny part is we sell the rv's- we don't use them. So I've been to every airport and hotel and rental car place in America. The lines the delays the smoke smell and the expense- it's NOT even close to recommended!

I'm the type of person who needs to LIVE what I do though, so it makes sense. It often means I'm extreme, but I want to be excited and happy and fully enveloped by whatever I'm doing. I'm passionate about food and clothes and computers (stop and recognize I'm posting this from my iPhone which is THE coolest thing ever!) and YES everything RV related. Who wouldn't love sipping on a cocktail, surfing the web, sitting next to ur dog, and cruising towards vegas? And if u stop to appreciate it, get excited about it (whatever 'it' might be) then u can say u LIVED it, u felt it, u experienced it!

We stopped at stateline and went to the outlets. I got some cute shoes. Closed toed flats !GASP! That's never happened before- I'm slightly addicted to open toed high heels. My friend John seems to think I have aspirations of becoming a stripper. Ha! Hardly.

Anyways, as a side note, we were going to stop in Bakersfield last night but it seems they've closed every rest stop in California for repairs. Yeah, that's a good idea on the busiest travel day of the year. And u know cal trans works on thanksgiving day. Uh NOT- LAME! My poor dad wound up driving until 4am to find a Valero gas station we could sleep in.

We also had a 30 minute taco bell experience which left me giggling. I just try not to get too worked up and was THANKFUL I wasn't with one of my many friends who would have blown a gasket. Apparently, I stereotyped the Spanish speaking fellow at the taco bell counter to understand what a taco was. I also assumed that this particular item might be a popular enough seller that it would be easily found on his register. See what happens when u stereotype others and make assumptions? Also, I'm a pretty wordy person but I underestimated the complicated differences between the crunchy taco and the hard taco. I did not know taco bell only serves hard tacos or soft tacos. Ordering a crunchy taco (which is how it is on the menu board btw) is a special order that requires manager approval. Good times right there.

Anyways, we're just getting settled at the rv resort so I'm gonna go. Have a great thanksgiving!

Sent from my iPhone

You can't deny it...

If you work in the automotive industry - especially with salesmen, then this has to be the funniest set of commercials ever produced. HA HA!



Although I think we really do care about our customers, I can say that stereotypes are usually based on overwhelming truth - and I've seen it all! Simply hilarious!

Am I wrong?

I'm a single person. I cook every night for myself. Tonight, I didn't cook. I was tired and I copped out and I made nachos.

I made these for me and me only. I do have roommates however and they seem to think it is the funniest/strangest thing ever that I would just eat these straight off the tray.

Is this that strange? It's not like it's going to reheat. It's not like I'm sharing it and should only take my portion. It's not like I want to go through the pomp and circumstance of putting it on a plate just to impress myself or the dog. That would just make it 1 more dish I'd have to wash.

Someone tell me what you think about that? Am I just a total philistine for eating this straight off the cookie sheet? Or would you do the same thing?

THE CUTEST THING EVER

That's the whole post... Look at him. This is HarMar, my precious little man. AND only god can testify to how much he H.A.T.E.S. wearing his bumble bee costume. Sometime I'll dress him up in his lobster costume and take a picture for you.

HarMar wearing a costume is INSTANT paralysis. He won't move for hours if you leave it on him. I must be evil because it makes me laugh so hard I dress him up for my own sick pleasure.

No mans land...

Most people know a woman's obsession with her handbag. I am all woman. While childless, let me introduce you to my first born. I have NO problem fighting you TO.THE.DEATH for her.

The contents of a woman's purse are usually pretty private, but I think it's time we get personal :)

This is my baby, Burberry.


Since it's slightly overflowing, you can see (from left to right)

1) My Furla sunglasses. COOL!
2) My 2nd born, my iPhone which is always with me
3) My handy canvas bag. I got these cute portable ones at Sur la Table and I love it!



I don't know where to start with the rest of this junk, but I now know why my bag s so heavy.

1) Although I've never used it, I have my passport.
2) Ok, being a woman, I have a handy compartment for the emergency tampon and panty liner... moving on...
3) Comb, compact, random key that I don't know what it goes to, floss, and of course a portable USB drive in keeping with my Nerd Contract.
4) a STACK of credit cards, gift cards, and discount/club cards (See the horror below)
5) Gum and cute box of mints
6) Quick quiz, how many things of lipstick, lip gloss, and chap stick can you count? I count 9 (In case you didn't know, there are 3 more lip glosses inside the black Chanel box)
7) My work name badge, a handy pen, a hair band, my iPhone headphones, my work keys, and spare safety pins
8) Can you find my trusty iPhone bluetooth?
9) My matching Burberry wallet (Somehow this makes me extra proud) and my checkbook with works mission statement on a business card so I can see it.

SO, now are we up close and personal or what?

Know your role...

Heard some EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE interesting things the other day about “Knowing My Role”... I think it just takes some major nerve to SAY that. I’m very well aware that this whole society works on knowing your role. Every job has a boss. Every societal group has a leader. Every family has a head. Every clique has a pecking order. There has to be a defined order to everything, an understanding. But there is a really angry feminist inside of me that psycho BRISTLES at the thought of being told how to be, what to be, what I can and can’t do. There was even one point where he said “WIthout a doubt there are women out there who could probably do a better job, be more efficient, organized, and capable than a man, BUT THAT’S NOT YOUR ROLE...”

Oh no you didn’t just say that!

Actually, I was unable to control my face, but it was probably due to the massive whole body seizure I was having after hearing those words. Yep yep, I’m virtual blogging this from the grave. Ha! For all the things that I have done wrong (and there’s some doozies, let me tell ya) know what my most egregious sin is? “I have headship issues” As I so eloquently explained to a friend of mine, how is it that I could probably suck every dick in America, but it’s worse for me to not listen when a man tells me to do something? LOL I was informed sucking every dick in America is probably a bad thing no matter who you are and a very bold statement. Ha Ha - I know, but I was just rambling. Sometimes I exaggerate to get my point across, ok?

Seriously though, I just want to be reasonable... Actually admitting that a women could do a better job at something but won’t get the opportunity because she lacks the necessary (Between the legs) accoutrements is so mind boggling. Sexism is offensive people. It’s just as bad as racism or homophobia. IE: NOT GOOD.

I’m such a contradiction though. I’m really not a feminist. I love to cook. I love cleaning. I love being a woman. I want to be held. Talked to in a (not condescending or patronizing) soft voice. I want to be taken care of. Treated tenderly. My dream is to find a man who will TAKE all this man responsibility from me so that I CAN truly fulfill my womanly roll. But it doesn’t work for me if I don’t trust you. If I don’t respect you. I have these trust issues, which manifest into control issues... and I pretty much need to know someone is more capable and more strong willed than I am. (Please note, breaking me emotionally until I just give up is not what I’m talking about here - that can be done too, but really not what I’m going for!) To really pry it away from me so that I CAN just melt down, open up, and be this ethereal female creature I want to be. Well, I’m not holding my breath about it. HA!

I’m complicated. I don’t make any sense. I know this now. It’s hard for people to figure me out and my actions give people varying ideas of who I am and what I’m about. Some have said they see my hesitation and they wonder what I’m on the fence about. Hell, even I don’t know sometimes. I live my life on the fence. I’m just always waiting for something to “feel right” and then I fall to one side or the other. I follow my soul.

Read a wonderful quote from the Tao that says “The master observes the world, but trusts his own inner vision”... I’m no master, but I see a lot going on around me - a lot which I can get into my head about and debate which way I should go, but ultimately I have to just look inside and say “does it feel right?” and that’s usually what I do - unless of course alcohol is involved. But we’re just gonna stop there. ahahhaaha

Have a good one everybody.

I think I have reverse anorexia...

Controversial and shocking, I know!

Hang in here with me for this one, will ya? I actually spent like an hour trying to prepare for this blog with pictures and everything, but then I couldn't find the one photo I saw on TV that started this whole train of thought, but I'm going to ramble on anyways.

I'm 30 years old. I'm 5'7" tall. I weigh around 130 lbs. I currently wear a size 8, but I do have some size 10's in my drawer. I would not consider myself fat. I look in the mirror every day and turn around and inspect and I think I'm doing alright.

Then I get to the store and I start trying on clothes and I panic. REALLY? I'm a size 17? OH WAIT, Marisa stumbled into the Juniors section. Let me find my way to MISSES... Really? When I buy underwear I'm a LARGE? Really? Cuz I'm looking at people around town and I'm thinking a lot of them are WAAAY bigger than me. I see a lot of BIG girls cramming their fat asses into a size 10. I want to know where the average woman buys her panties? If the average size for a women is now 14, how is it that I wear a LARGE anything? I know my butt is on the big size, but geez!

Oprah had a show recently about past Biggest Loser contestants. This one lady came out claiming she was a size 10 and she looked 30 lbs heavier than me! (TO ME)

Seriously, I'm sure I have reverse anorexia. You know how anorexics look in the mirror when they only weigh 68 lbs but they think they are all fat? I'm really fearing that all 400lbs of me looks in the mirror and sees a model. ha ha ha

I must just not be good at math because some numbers aren't adding up here.

I have the makings of a fat girl!

Well, no one really has anything to talk about right now, so I'm gonna write a lame post too.

I'm going to admit something to you that will gross out a lot of you. I really like mayonnaise. Like really like it! I put mayo on my broccoli. I totally load up an inch thick on sandwiches, potato salad, etc.

In fact, friends of my family own the Ak-mak cracker place. At the factory, the bread starts out in big sheets like lavash bread. And instead of baking it into a cracker, if you put it in a plastic bag and spray it with water, it's the most delicious soft yummy bread ever. My friend and I would go to the factory, pick up a big bag of the bread, stop at Savemart and buy a jar of mayo and we'd sit there and just dip the bread in the mayo and eat the whole thing. (Will you ever look at me the same?)

I read that Jennifer Aniston used to eat mayo sandwiches. I totally related! My mom totally banned me from mayo for like a year. But I'm an adult now and I just ate broccoli for dinner and HELL YEAH I put mayo on it. YUM!! Do I have the makings of a fat girl, or what?

I just found out my favorite restaurant closed down. I'm so sad about it! Flamenco Tapas of Spain was totally awesome! I'm hoping I can get the recipe for their Garbanzo beans though. I won't live without that!

I totally had something else to write about and then Biggest Loser came on and here I am writing about eating mayonnaise straight from the jar and I sorta lost focus. OH NO!

Okay, funny OCD story. I'm pretty sure there is either a test or a case study or just a plain conspiracy going on in my house. We have a strange sort of bermuda triangle/house of mirrors thing going on in our hallway. It sort of Y's off and there are 7 doors there. A bathroom, 3 bedrooms, 2 closet doors, and 1 to the garage. It's not that I have a thing about doors being closed, but I think closet doors should be shut. EVERY time I go down the hallway 1 or both are cracked. It makes me INSANE. I HAVE to close them. I could shut the doors, walk into my bedroom, go to the kitchen, and head back towards my bedroom and the are cracked again. I'm pretty sure my roomies are running out of their rooms, cracking the door, and hiding again. Do they notice that the door is cracked? Both those closets are not mine and I never open them. So, when they open the door, how do they not shut it all the way? Do they notice that I always walk by and shut the doors? Random, I know, but I'm pretty sure this is comical.

Today was like a crazy busy day at work. I had FOUR meetings and the internet was down. I didn't even leave until after 7 and now I've barely eaten and sat down and it's 9pm. UGH!

Well, Har Mar is frantically trying to talk to me right now. He's pawing at my face, jumping in my lap and onto my laptop and being quite dramatic. I think he wants some food so I'm gonna go feed him. Have a good one my friends.

Slow Ride...

Well, I tried to convince my brother last night that the song Slow Ride by Foghat was a good song. I don’t think he got it AT ALL! He’s so rigid! I played every type of song known to man and not one made him bob his head or even crack a smile. And I rocked out, danced, laughed... NOTHING! At one point, I turned around and he had his iPod earphones in!! THE NERVE!

Overall though, I had a good time HA HA so that’s all that matters I guess!

I was SO locked into what I thought good music was at that age, I was not open to any advice. But with over 4,000 songs on my iPod now I think I made up for the year I only listened to Michael Jackson, En Vogue, and Mariah Carey. LOL That was a LONG time ago!

I just really love music. I love all the feelings it can give you. I love the memories. Don’t you just hear a song and suddenly your mind takes you on the most magical journey to a setting, the people, the smells, the back drop to what you were doing last time you heard that?

It was “Sweetest Perfection” by Depeche Mode. Harmony and I were in the front seat of her car. We had Mt Dew slushies from the Texaco on Shaw/Armstrong. And we were singing. Singing to our slushies. (Listen to the lyrics of that song. We really loved Mt Dew) Sun was out, windows down, a truly PERFECT DAY!

It was “Killing in the Name” by Rage Against the Machine. I was 18, home alone for a week at my parents house. I was standing at my vanity doing my hair, music as loud as it could go. Isaacs green duffle bag of CD’s was on the ground. Circle Jerks, Janes Addiction, Sonic Youth, and Music up as loud as it would go...
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
F*** you, I won't do what you tell me!
Motherf***er!
Uggh!
(Ok, so I had some pent up aggression... but I remember it like yesterday!)

It was “Stone the Crow” by Down. San Francisco, me and Richie. Last song of the night. I had gone into the pit alone but that’s OUR SONG and Bam! out of nowhere he appeared beside me. The crowd, the excitement, the crescendo, the crushing surge of energy from side to side as people scream and kick and crawl over top.

It was “Dunkie Butt” by 12 Gauge. On a ranch in Wildwood, Georgia. 76 other people from 18 - 80 in the room that I’ve never met before and a $100,000 sound system and we’d all drank WAAY too much of that Sweet Tea. Drum sticks in hand with only a few rules. You have to be happy, you have to dance, and you can hit ANYTHING except each other. No sleep in 3 days and we were up on the tables dancing, going crazy... I still have those broken drum sticks. LOL

Name any song, I probably have a story to go along with it. ☺ Ok that’s my blog for the day. Hope you don’t think it’s too lame.

She got 9 minutes and she wasted it...

OMG - I would say I feel like I’m running around like a chicken w/ my head cut off today, but somehow that just is 1 more thing I’d need to add to my to-do list.

#16 - Have head reattached
(And yes, I have 15 other things on my list...)

None of which I’ve even remotely got to work on today since 4 other VERY pressing things came up that I had to take care of 1st. I’m not having much fun, I can tell you that.

I leave the house when it’s dark, I get home when it’s dark. I miss working from home. MY phone never rang. I was left to my own devices all day. I’m fine working. I know what to do. It’s not that I wasn’t working. But here, people see you, and call you, and need you, and they need more, and they need it right now, and it’s so important, and you can’t make mistakes. And my job has morphed into dealing with customers and filling out paperwork for state laws.

It used to just be computer stuff. You make a mistake programming, no big deal... Now it’s taxes and peoples lives. UGH.



I’m just juggling juggling juggling. I’m exhausted. So I started out this morning with an energy drink. Then I had a Mt Dew. I think I’m gonna have an apple and then another Mt Dew.

Ooops, I gotta go. Someones calling. No lunch for Marisa today. She got 9 minutes and she wasted it typing a blog.

Yeah...

It’s cold. I hate the cold. I’m cold during the summer so you can imagine how cold I am right now. I’m always cold. I wasn’t meant to be climatically comfortable. It’s the universe giving me the middle finger is what it is. I need to bring a blanket with me to work. I’m an electric blanket junkie. Sigh.

Woke up again last night at 2:20am. UGH UGH UGH! Then HarMar jumps off the bed at 4:15am. That means act quick or he’s going to have a problem... on the carpet... in your room... and you’ll be a lot more awake cleaning that up than just letting him out. So I jumped up and threw the door open and he raced outside. He ALWAYS sleeps through the night, so he must have been feeling sick ☹ However, this did not spare me from basically being awake every 2 hours at 2am 4am and 6am. LAME!

You know, when I was in like 8th grade, I broke my leg. We were at Lake Almanor on the 1st day of vacation riding our bikes through the campground when we saw our friends RV arrive. We were racing back to camp to greet them and through a very unfortunate set of fast paced events I “Sort Of” ran over a lady. You know, really ramped right up the back of her leg and left tire tracks all over her!! As I attempted to exit my bike and put my left leg down it landed funny and on a hill and then i lost my balance and the bike and I fell over but my foot stayed in the same place. POP! broken.... leg.... My brother and sister raced back, got my parents, who brought the RV and we headed off to the hospital. The fracture sort of looked like someone traced an outline around a lollipop. NOT GOOD. This required a special cast clear up to high thigh even though the fracture was just above the ankle.

And since it was day 1 of vacation, you know we didn’t go home. They laid me up in a lounge chair and I got to watch everyone play, bike ride, have water gun fights, water ski, jet ski... I had to sleep in the RV while a gaggle of kids got to stay up all night in “tent city”... Mom was nice enough to let me have the window open so I could at least hear. To this day, almost SEVENTEEN YEARS LATER... There was a joke about chicken nuggets that I will never forgive myself for missing. They laughed until they cried. I just cried.

8 weeks I was immobile. Cast up to my thigh and they put it on so my knee was slightly bent and my foot pointed in just a little. Basically to ensure I wouldn’t be walking on it. Finally the cast came off. And FUCK if I could not for the life of me remember how to walk. I used to sit and watch people walk by and think, how do they do that?! Heel.. toe... bend knee... lift... repeat... It just didn’t come natural! OMG! Weeks I struggled with this. It was embarrassing and mind boggling. Who forgets how to fucking walk? It’s not like I had a stroke or a brain injury. I think really I just put too much thought into it. And my mom gave me a slight complex because she said I was walking pigeon toed. She was right, but it was one more thing to concentrate on that when I walked my feet pointed straight ahead so I didn’t look retarded. And I just kept thinking, when is this not going to be an issue anymore? When will things just be normal again? Will they ever be normal again? OMG...

So where am I going with all this? Clearly one day, I just started walking! Everything came together. I look normal, walk normal, no pigeon toes - NORMAL. But I had to let it all go first. I almost crippled myself literally with over-thinking and trying so hard to get it right and by observing and calculating what everyone else was doing or thinking about what I was doing...

And I think that’s what my life is right now. I’m all wrapped up in nothingness in my head even though everything is normal and all systems are go. And really it should just be natural. Life should just happen. I’m thinking and calculating and waiting on baited breath for things to just be normal again. What happened? Will things ever just be normal? Will I ever not feel like something is wrong all the time? Even though nothing is wrong, I’m not getting it right. I’m watching everyone else and they seem to be getting it right. Maybe if I do exactly what they do it will fix things. Nope, nope... that didn’t work. Think Marisa... Think...

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

STOP! Make it stop. Please - just stop. I’m ok... I’m doing it to myself... I have at least THAT MUCH awareness. I need more time at home, more time alone, more time to read, walk, be with nature - get back to basics and really let it all go.

Nothing to see here, move along.

There’s a song I’ve been listening to lately and the opening words are:

“Call me romantic
But I'm frantically fucked up”

I don’t know why that tickles me so. I think I so am totally frantically fucked up that it just cracks me up.

Anyways, i don’t know if this is vain or not, but I do like to re-read my blogs. I use this thing called “MacJournal” that I write in and then it posts online for me. I don’t post everything. I just re-read the 5 that I didn’t post. WHEW. Those are heavy. I just get really into how well I’ve captured a moment of time in my life. It must just be me, but it’s real, ya know?

Anyways, not too much going on. Just another day. Another day at work. Another day I’m trying to rush through so I can get to tomorrow and see if I feel better.

Went to my parents last night. I made potato soup and we bonded over TV like a true family should. My brother delighted in the new Charmin commercial that came out and used the TiVo against me to force me to rewatch it until I basically said, stop it now or I WILL WRESTLE you to the ground, take the remote from you, and then beat you with it. He handed it over willingly. My mom yelled at the screen because Biggest Loser was on and she got REALLY into it. Heba and Vicki are taboo words in the house this week. LOL My dad ate a double serving of soup and bread (even though he shouldn’t) and then an entire plain head of romaine lettuce to counteract the bread. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to that. And I’M THE VEGETARIAN!

So the soup was delicious but pretty heavy and I haven’t been eating much so it was rough on me and today my stomach hurts. I weighed myself this morning. I’ve lost 10 lbs in the last 30 days. It’s annoying because none of my pants fit anymore, but I can’t really afford to go out and buy new ones.
☹ Booo!

I haven’t really been sleeping well either and it’s making me crazy. Never in my life have I had a problem sleeping. NEVER. Like taking more than 3 minutes to fall asleep is total insomnia to me. Waking up before noon is like waking up at 4 am! I pride myself on being pretty much comatose from the time my head hits the pillow until my alarm goes off for the 5th time. Now I’ve been waking up at like 2am and 5am. This morning I work up around 3:30 just DRENCHED in sweat. UGH. It’s cold out too... so why was I sweaty? I don’t know what my dreams were, but it was yuck.

OK, You’re all caught up with me now. Nothing to see here, move along...

PS - to those of you who’ve commented on my blog. Thanks. I need to work on that. I read several blogs EVERY day but I never comment. It’s something I just gotta start doing.

I hate to admit it...

...But at some point in this blog I will.

Had to do some uncomfortable stuff last night with my family. My brother is just not cutting the mustard when it comes to school.

It sucks to be older and have “understanding”... I’m not a parent, but I do find myself saying those parent things (My brother is 15 years younger than me. I was 18 and out of the house so fast, my mom basically raised 2 only children) and it makes me sick to my stomach.

You know, you just want the best for someone. People are handed some bad hands, but not him. He is very smart, charismatic, good looking, and overall a GOOD BOY. Plus, my parents have given him everything. A cell phone, games, big screen TV’s, freedom to leave the house and go with friends, everything. And through my blinding jealousy, I can see he’s being given every opportunity in the world to go and do and be anything he wants to. But he doesn’t get it.

But sometimes when everything is handed to you, you never have that burning desire inside of you to WORK, to EARN, to BE more. You don’t have anything to prove.

Thats why my brother and I are different. I’m the opposite of that. I worked... I wanted... I worried... I wanted to rub in everyone’s face that I was good enough. So even on foggy day schedule, I went to school on time. I took advanced classes. I didn’t need to study, but I did anyways. I died inside bringing home a B... Did you read my blog before last? I’m 30 and still trying to prove something. Fuck, I don’t know.

So yeah... I really want to be the cool sister, ya know? I want to be the person to him that I prayed for every night when I was his age. The friend, the confidant, the savior... (WOW, Ok, I’ve really given myself a god complex here...) I think somewhere in all this though, I blurred the lines. And I made this all about me. I was fighting for me. And he’s not me. I didn’t have a cell phone, or cable TV, or freedom. We lived in the country 5 miles from anyone. What we had was basically a farm. Marisa was out back cutting firewood, and pruning trees, and digging fence post holes, and pulling weeds, and pouring cement, and laying tile, and taking down wallpaper, and painting. She was 15, just recovering from a broken leg and arm, going to school full time, getting straight A’s with a baby (my brother) on her hip. She was cleaning the house and changing diapers and hauling bricks and moving furniture (mom liked to rearrange her full wall length oak china cabinets and entertainment centers weekly :| ) and WORKING. Always working. We had a tractor. I had a tool belt and a pick ax. We had our own cement mixer. This was 2 acres of pavement, pasture, and trees. Over 200 trees that mom wanted raked every day. I mean WORK WORK!

(Please note: Right now I’m not complaining. Those things made me who I am and I’m thankful for that. I was bitter before, but I realize those things made me strong. They made me driven. They made me CAPABLE of anything I put my mind to.)(I would also like to clarify I had a good childhood. I was safe. My parents loved me (A bit too strictly, but...) And we had a good life. We played outside. I had a pony. We had a houseboat and speedboat and motorhome. We travelled and were well taken care of... SO no complaining.)

Moments like this just really remind me why I don’t want kids. I can’t handle it. It’s so serious. It’s their life, their future. And my heart melted when that baby boy and I went outside to talk without mom and dad and he hugged me and he cried. OMG... I just want him to succeed. To be better than me. To take all the opportunities that he has (that I didn’t) and use the system to his advantage!!

But there is a plea here for REALITY. You have to get good grades. You have to work hard. You have to earn trust and respect.

Fascinating

Well, I don't normally write about politics... and I've been reading feverishly about things on the internet these last few weeks, but I have to tell you, yesterday I watched with utter fascination as Barack was elected. I'm not a political person or even a registered voter, but I will now admit I shed a few tears. I don't know if I was just in the crying mood, or if I was so excited about watching history happen, or if I was just overcome with everyone elses emotion at such a monumental event, but yeah, anyways... it happened.

I think it's extra odd for me to be moved by something that, in my world, is no big friggin deal. I'm sure I don't represent the majority of anything, but so what if he's black? My dad is black. My uncles and my cousins and my brother is black. So what? Look at my hodgepodge family...



I guess I just don't see color. Anyways... I just found it really interesting to think about where we've come from. I mean, my dad has talked about being segregated and not being allowed into white movie theaters or just the trials of making the same wages as the other guys at his first job.

SO, what do you think? Is it a tragedy that a lot of my generation doesn't really realize the road that was paved for us? I can say the same about my gender. Women weren't able to vote. They didn't make equal wages. My mom had to wear a dress to school. Those things NEVER cross my mind because they just don't make sense to me. I can't imagine anything different than being able to be independent and do whatever I want to. OR, do you think it is a testament to how good of a job they did that it's just a non issue now.

Did I make any sense? I find this to be a VERY compelling topic. But it's seeming like a lot of work to type it all out right now. LOL

Anyways - I just wanted to write a quick blip in my first ever political blog!!