Universal Divine and Cosmic Sadness

WOW - heavy title huh? Sometimes I have to say it sucks to be a contradiction. I love the wide range of experiences and opportunity it brings, but that doesn't mean it's easy to be me...

I just have SO MUCH going on all the time. And I don't know how to stop it, control it, quiet it. I need to get back to my yoga classes, that much I know for sure.

So where do I even begin?

I sat for almost 45 minutes yesterday trying to absorb what I'm experiencing. Maybe trying to formulate words for it, but I'm not QUITE there yet! I don't know what sort of inner rebellion I have going on but it is raging strong within me. I think I slightly disrespect people who cannot simply just "be" - be still, be quiet, be ok - but upon further examination, I think I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I hate quiet. I find it irritating. Not only am I a talker, but I live for numbing my mind with a steady stream on conversation, music, and television. Having been out of town for some time now I have this INCREDIBLE urge to drown out my thoughts with inconsequential minutiae... So therefore I've decided to sit in silence! Really grate this out until I'm okay with it. I do that often apparently. My inner rebellion runs strong. Last month I refused to wear makeup for a full week because I sort of thought I enjoyed/needed makeup too much. So just to prove that I could do it, I didn't wear any!

So where does that leave us? I DON'T KNOW!!?!?

I had a conversation with a friend last night who asked me an interesting question. (interesting for those of you who appreciate music on a deeper level like we do) What song would I say "is Marisa"...? I couldn't answer. But I got on my iPod and started picking songs that spoke to me... and when I reviewed the collection it sort of hit me in the gut that there is a deep lonely desperate sadness that I carry around inside me :(

To be a contradiction is so hard. I often walk around filled with such great joy it's almost like I'm drugged. Yet, beneath the surface waits for me a sadness so cosmic it would bring a normal person to their knees, I'm sure of it.

So I think - what am I unfulfilled about? Really, I love my life, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my puppy dog, and I think I can even say I love my body, I love my age, I love my everything. But something is missing... Whats so funny is that what's missing is LOVE. I have love, but I need someone to love me. I really do need and want a partner. Someone to share all that love WITH!

That's what all those songs were about. I think for all the tender goodness that I have inside why doesn't that one piece of the puzzle finally fall into place?

I don't know. I just want to be happy that's all.

I don't want to write and write and write and talk about how my mommy left me and hurt me and how I'm divorced now and how my last boyfriend broke up with me. I don't want those few moments in time to define me. But how do you grieve for those moments that really do play a part in making you who you are now?

As usual, I never solve anything here - I just put it up here - hopefully to release it into the universe - let it go. (My fingers are crossed)

More Mars Truths

The things I would like to cover in this blog are:
1) I have the potential...
2) I am not slow...
3) Super America...

I have the potential!
Recently it seems I have been doing a lot of driving. And boy oh boy do people get on my nerves. All I want to do is drive. Drive FAST. Drive AT LEAST the speed limit for the love of god! Why we have to play these machismo games I will never know. Can't you just move aside and let me go? Or can't you just stay still and let me pass you? Why must you speed up, slow down, cut in front of me, brake check me and try to POLICE ME? So this is where I have potential...

Given the wrong combination of circumstances, I have the potential to lose my mind and drive right into the back of you and just push you right off the road. Some day I'm going to do it. I'm sure of it. Isn't that the "Fried Green Tomatoes" line? I'm older and I have more insurance... RIGHT? Watch out! Sadly I am NOT kidding.

I am not slow

So besides driving a lot, I also shop a lot. And not just clothes shopping. I shop for work, grocery shopping, errands - you just never know. But I'll tell you one thing I do know. I don't mess around. I am a list maker and a credit card user. I know how to shop the isles, load my cart, get the stuff thru check out, swipe my card, load back up and I'm out. I'm efficient and methodical. I am NOT slow.

SO WHY OH WHY are people always rushing me thru the check stand? I have waited so patiently while old biddies try to figure out how to write their checks or use the debit machine for the FIRST TIME. I have waited behind people with their drooling children and their checker running back and forth for prices or replacements or lost items. But every time I get in the god damned line there is some bitch behind me that is so up on my ass I might as well attach her shopping cart to my ass. I have literally had them bump me with their cart. Touch me with their body. Be close enough to smell my breath. There is NO NEED - let me repeat N O N E E D to ever do this to me. I AM NOT SLOW. Are there no social graces anymore? No 3 foot rule?

My personal space is very important to me. That being said, I'm very VERY AWARE when someone is in my space. I can't even control my face as my jaw drops and my eyes widen and I stare back at them mouth agape at the audacity that someone would actually bump me with their fucking cart FOR NO REASON AT ALL because I AM NOT SLOW!

Super America

I do seem to do a lot of traveling. As I cross over the country I sometimes think about California and how different it is from every other state. Where we have laws on top of laws. Where you can't smoke inside. Where you have to wear a bicycle helmet. Where we have such diversity! And not just in language or in people or in selection or food but even in terrain. I think of California and I think it is the greenest most fertile land you'll ever find. Hell, Fresno is KNOWN as the fruit basket of the world! Yet you drive across the sterile open plains of Minnesota and your breath is taken back by how GREEN it is. Everything looks like this!


I've never seen more green! I also notice how slow moving people are. How everyone looks and sounds the same! How there are limited options for everything. I don't like it. I also have these moments where I realize that these places aren't as free thinking and accepting as I would hope for either! Also, where are the toilet seat covers? Why do the gas stations not serve fountain drinks? How come everyone calls it "pop" here and not soda. It's like being in a foreign country!

Humor me for a second though. The most popular gas station here is the SUPERAMERICA! My God - what is this place?! It's fucking super though! It's like it's BETTER THAN AMERICA! Somehow - I know its a stretch, but SOMEHOW I fear this represents the close minded feverish judgment of the people 'round here.

Also, am I the only one that finds this ...
to be the biggest marketing error to happen in a long time. I drive by this place every morning and it makes me laugh. I finally had to take a picture. HA! In case you can't see it, it is called the "Kum and Go" and the cashier wears a Kum & Go tie and a Kum & Go shirt and it's on everything. Really???? It's SO funny!

Also, thank you to all who called or emailed me happy birthday. It really meant a lot to me. 30 is a big deal to some of us I guess. I think I'm doing okay actually. I wasn't ecstatic about having to wear tie dye on my birthday, but I couldn't imagine being around a better group of people. Seriously! They all got together and sang me happy birthday and I got the cutest musical card and a gift certificate to the apple store. Do they love me or what?

Also, as you know I love to read. I've got books backed up on the shelves I can't wait to get to. I'd say there are a couple books out there that are windows into my soul. If you really want to get to know me I have some "recommended reading" for you! 1st you can read "The Cult of Perfection" and learn about how I work inside and out. 2nd "eat, pray, love"... It's not so much a book I would say that a guy would enjoy reading, but if that 'said guy' wants to know everything there is to know about my brain heart and soul, then you might want to leaf thru those two books. :)