Turn Ons...

I’m always fascinated by nuance... and the differences that make each of us who we are. Ok, that’s not really what I was going to write about, I think this blog is going to go a couple different places.

One thing I was thinking about is the type of men that I draw to me. I think any of you that know my history know that there is absolutely NO similarities between the major relationships in my life. From black to white, tall to short, skinny to muscular, creative to by the book, realists to dreamers - I magically managed to find exact opposites. And the joke is, that besides being indeed male, they are all polar opposites. (I would assume most people would only consider there to be 2 opposites of any given thing, so maybe it’s more like a triangle or something... I don’t know!)

ANYWAYS... I figured out the similarity!!! Besides a wicked sense of sarcasm and humor, they were all brilliant! IQ’s off the charts (each in their own way very intimidating to me...) From one who wanted to sit at home and fiddle with magnets and build and create things and read Mensa books just for time killing fun, to another who had mastery over the computer in a methodical calculating mathematical programming way that would really bend your brain (and I use computers okay people? THIS shit was above complicated) to another one who totally gets off on light and space and time and geography and the universe, to math and fact and figures... They were all mentally sharp, voracious readers, eloquent, well spoken men. WOW!

Know what’s odd? They all had what I would consider to be almost identical handwriting! LOL (Strange fact, I know - had to share)

So why am I writing this blog? Because I discovered something about myself that my roommates are now making fun of me for. Know what turns me on? A man that reads. A man that can spell! A man that didn’t have to dictionary.com the word voracious I used 2 paragraphs up... A man that WRITES! I find myself having a quite magical experience when I read a properly formed sentence. I get off on proper punctuation! Paragraphs! Capitalization! (Now this isn’t so that you can re-read all of my writings for typo’s and misspellings and probably a few too many exclamation points and ...dot dot dots... but I do write like I talk - HEY wait a minute - this isn’t about me okay!?)

So, how lame do you think I am now?

HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN AN EMAIL IN ALL CAPITALS THAT JUST MAKES YOU WANT TO PULL YOUR HAIR OUT!? or what about the guy who just says yo wassup mama do you wanna go come see myb crib laters in his ghetto slang where you have to try and figure out what the hell he is even talking about or the one who just keeps writing and writing and writing and never spaces or stops or hits the return key ever and doesn’t use a period to break up the sentences and never spell checks and you throw up a little in your mouth imagining what it must be like to talk to this guy in person once let alone for the rest of your life

YEAH, THAT IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! I can’t handle it!

So anyways, I had to share! I took quite the ribbing a couple days ago from Melt and Beck about how abnormal this new discovery is. I don’t care what you all say though - it’s my fetish and I like it!

Meanderings

Hello everyone. As usual I write when I feel inspired which isn't THAT often. But I'm just marveling at the roller coaster of life. Just a few weeks ago I remember things being so terrible and I was fighting it. I felt like I was wrestling the whole universe. And I was reading the words from A New Earth, but I wasn't getting it. I heard them saying that you can't truly move forward in any fashion if you resist what is happening to you now. I read the words about how laboring and nervously obsessing over a decision would never make it right, because worry serves no purpose. In one ear and out the other was the truth that when things are right they will be effortless and you will just know.

And there I was, crying on my bathroom floor. There I was walking around the lake crying, ignoring the present and obsessing over the future. There I was fighting on the phone and begging things to be different. And then there was a light, and a weight lifted off of my shoulders and the answers came to me and I got really excited... I felt like, if things are so terrible now, the grandest most positive exciting things are right around the corner.

I am very slowly being able to catch my mind carrying me away with worry and anxiety about the future. I think I've always lived my life on such high alert... Always thinking and obsessing about every action, every movement, every voice inflection. Considering every possible outcome, reenacting every word and action and scenario to try and predict the future. And then it came to me - what is happening to me right now? As I am young and successful and healthy and walking around the neighborhood with the most wonderful dog in the perfect weather next to a gorgeous lake but i wasn't 'there'. I was 20 years in the future wondering about my job and my relationships and my body and every unpredictable inane thing. And then the tears stopped and I just GOT IT! No one was doing anything to me - I was the one tormenting me. I was the one distracting me. I was the one not living a real life.

Now, don't get me wrong - I often wonder if I will every take mastery over my roided out brain! But the mere act of "worry" is like a cancer. When you worry it changes nothing. In fact it cripples your ability to live in the present moment and really robs you of taking positive action. Worrying about paying your bills doesn't pay your bills. It's resisting the universe and not accepting the present moment for what it is. It has been such a freeness in my life to have this realization.

I'm sure a lot of this sounds like crazy talk. But it speaks to me. I no longer stay up at night wondering if I'll ever meet someone who will love me for who I am. I know me putting out good will return good to me. Me being present and open will make me available for wonderful things.

I started my vision board. Pictures of things I want, qualities in people I want to draw to me, places I want to visit. Then I can let the worry go that they will happen. I simply know they will and worrying about "WHEN and HOW" will not make it happen any quicker or any different. I don't believe in fate, so don't read it that way, but I do know that if you are crying about the past and off in la la land worrying about the future then you will not be present enough to recognize when a door opens and opportunity arises.

So, those are my inspired thoughts for today. I'm living life and loving it. Instead of crying and being sad that I came home to a lonely house on a friday night, I'm watching my favorite show (peoples court) and drinking a nice big glass of wine (coppola rosso) and sitting on a comfortable couch in a safe neighborhood with my fabulous dog. I feel good and I think that positive energy is emanating from me.

I stopped by a local grocery store (Bentleys) and picked up a bag of pita chips to go with my new hummus obsession and discovered that they carry Kambucha! (my new favorite drink) I grabbed a grape one and think it's yummy! What a good life!

Hmmm

So I'm laying here in bed, listening to the new Portishead album - Which I love by the way!!

I just had a pretty darn decent week off and now I'm definitely not wanting to go back to work - which is always the case! I was so worried that I wouldn't have anything to do and that I would be bored and really sad, when in the end- it turned out to be like the perfect vacation.

I got to have lunch with my best friends, had a great weekend dancing in San Francisco, some cool nights out, shopping, and got to see my cousin and even do yoga in Santa Cruz! Normally I don't do stuff like that cuz driving long distances by myself isn't my thing, but I need to be an independent woman now I guess. I actually enjoyed it. I had the best dog on earth with me and my iPod and a Mt Dew which pretty much always ends up being a good time!!

I sat out in the sun and let Har Mar bound about in the grass. I was so proud of him and how unphased he was by the many blue jays and even a cat. He really is a good dog to just stay by my side!

Went out tonight for drinks and a movie with my girlfriends. For those of you that know me - romantic comedy is NOT my thing. I hate anything that rubs romance and what is lacking in my life in my face. SO - it was a cute movie, but I pretty much need to meet my rich prince charming tomorrow or I'm going to be very disappointed! ha ha ha...

I'm definitely getting the travel bug though. I seem to know all these people galavanting across the country - and that should totally be me. I think my parents are actually considering taking a trip to the carribean this summer and they BETTER take me~ I've never been outside the continental united states and I'm READY!

Well, it's 1am and past my bedtime. Sorry for the lame post with the incompleted thoughts. I'll try to elaborate more later.