Don't be offended...

Can I just tell you something? And can you not take it personal?

This is probably no secret to most of you, but I pretty much despise children. No, not YOUR children!! Yours are little angels... :)

Let me tell you why... I would consider myself a dedicated hard working person. I may have my emotional problems but I’d much rather fill that empty hole in my heart with food than the unconditional love of a child. I have chosen not to have children. FOr more than one reason. I, personally, have issue with the whole “giving birth” process in the first place. Plus, it is a huge responsibility, extremely expensive, and WILL change your life forever. I’m ok with my life. I’ve put thought and effort into it and that is the decision I have made.

I’m sure there are a few of you out there who really wanted kids, THOUGHT ABOUT IT, and also live a life conducive to raising children. Good for you.

But what I want to say is this - WHY must YOUR PROBLEM become my problem? For every one of you who have children flying from your womb like pez dispenser, there is someone at your job carrying your responsibility.

Every time you have to leave work early to pick them up from day care or wherever...
ME - working late.
Every school play, teacher parent conference, soccer game or whatever you choose to leave work for...
ME - still working - handling your projects.
Every time you can’t get a baby sitter or your kid is sick or it was foggy day schedule...
ME - scrambling to meet the deadlines you couldn’t because of your children.

THAT is why I don’t like children. Life throws enough things at you. Doctors appointments and flat tires and family emergencies, but I don’t get the same luxuries! I don’t get to stay home and hope someone will make sure my job gets done. If “I” was sick and flakey I’d get fired, but if it was my babies... No big deal - we understand.

And it’s not like you can really voice the opinions I just did publicly without facing jail time. UGH! Whatever people, whatever... Get it together ok?

Sitting with Jealousy...

SOOO, I haven’t written in a while. And I really hate that when i do feel the urge to write it’s perceived as negative... I don’t know if I’d really call this negative as much as I’d call it growth though.

I think I’m just having a hard time with jealousy. And not jealousy about dating and relationships, etc. But more about THINGS. I suppose that’s even worse because it’s selfish and shallow and doesn’t really “MATTER”... But I’m finding that it’s bothering me. And I find myself coming back to a lot of - I wish, I want, I need... and they are all mostly materialistic things.

I wish I could afford to get my nails done...
I want new furniture, new pictures for my bedroom, a new car...
I need new clothes, new shoes, jewelry...

See what I mean? It’s almost embarrassing to admit.

So, that’s what I’ve been sitting with. I started something new a few weeks ago. I decided to start writing a gratitude journal. It’s not about material things but just whatever happened during my day I was thankful for. A friend, a smile, a good meal... something positive and truly appreciated. I know this has been a problem for me so I wrote about all the things that I’m thankful for that I already have. I won’t say it fixed anything because the next day I went on a grand adventure through river park and realized I “need” new plates for my kitchen from Sur Le Table... and “want” a new trench type jacket from White House/Black Market, and “Wish” I could just shop all day like many of rich kept women that I know :(

Sigh... I’ll keep sitting with this... And maybe if I’m smarter with the money I DO make, I’ll come out ahead and be able to make that future I want a reality. (Not to be a kept woman... BTW! ... the other stuff ...)

Happy thoughts... positive thoughts... appreciative thoughts...