Life Realizations and contradiction

So, I've been meaning to write for a while. Sorry for the delay.

Figured I'd cover a few things mentioned in my title.

Life:

Life is good.

Realizations:

1) I don't like leaving the house. I mean, I do... but now that I work from home, leaving the house leaves me a nervous wreck. I just attempted to take someone across town at 5:00. Rush hour traffic in the dark. I've experienced everything from panic and extreme nausea to burning anger. I have arrived home and I am just a mess. The crazy idiots out on the road driving their raised F350 dually's who blind my low riding sports cars rearview mirror, then pass me on the RIGHT SIDE of the street, only to be trapped in front of me so that I am incapable of seeing over or around ANYTHING while they speed up to 50 and then slam on their breaks is more than my little hermit heart can handle. I am seriously shaken.

On a lighter note...

2) I have a serious shoe thing. For all these years that I denied my girly side. Now that I'm coming into my own, I really really have a love for expensive shoes. I just enjoy looking at them. Touching em. Trying them on. I mean, do i even need to mention "PURCHASING" them? It's not like a sex equivalent or anything, but seriously, I went to the mall the other day. And I just LOST MY MIND. I had been eyeing this pair of "Coach" Whitney D'Orsay pumps, and I just said, screw it. I BOUGHT THEM! It was like a shot of heroin (assuming that's a pretty good high since i've never tried heroin) I haven't even worn them yet, but i just open the closet and look at them. Oh my god, do I love them SO MUCH! I am just making my pledge now to not sell myself cheap at Ross anymore. I always shop at the cheap places trying to pull together an expensive look on a paupers budget and I'm just quiting that! I'd rather have 1 pair of $220 shoes that will always look good and last forever than 10 pairs of $20 shoes that hurt my feet, look cheap and break after a few months.

Contradictions:

So there, I've said it. I like expensive things. I REALLY like expensive shoes. And I've been reading a lot of hate blogs about women. How shallow they are. How they feel they wear a certain uniform. How much time and money they could save if they put their energy into learning instead of getting that brazillian wax.

Well, fuck it. Maybe it's the woman in me that takes whatever I read or hear or see and tries to apply it to myself, but I can't do that anymore. Yes, I wear thong underwear, get my nails done, have streaked hair, tan, and get waxed. Does that mean I'm some sort of wanna be porn star? Some superficial plastic whore with her designer bag and expensive shoes? NO...

I also own a $2,200 dog and drive a sports car and I have my tongue pierced and I have a tatoo. I'm sorry. I love my puppy. I love my car. I've had my tongue ring before all you posers (7+ years now) and my tattoo means a lot to me. And having my nails done makes me feel pretty. SO WHAT DO YOU CARE? But my lesson is life is this.

You just have to be ok with who you are. I'm not some fat goth chick who really wants attention by strapping my gynormous breasts into a leather bustier and making a scene. I'd like to think i'm somewhat modest. And people that get to know me will know that I am generous and grounded. That I recycle. That I'm a health conscious vegetarian. All I ever wanted to be was a domestic house wife. That I have some hippy tendencies in there. That I donate my time and energy to good causes. I can be nerdy. BUT that overall, you can't keep comparing yourselves to others to know that you are a good person.

You just have to be what you are, use reason and apply balance to your life and things will be ok. I am a contradiction. This vegetarian just spent over $200 on a pair of leather shoes. SO WHAT? I use canvas bags at the grocery store, but I REFUSE to turn the water off the whole time I'm brushing my teeth. SO WHAT? Maybe people like me annoy you. I don't know.

SO WHAT? I'm me. I like you... I hope you like me. It's taken me 27 years to say "I LIKE ME"... and I do.

Now I've gotta go give myself a pedicure. SEE YA! LOL