Friday, July 9, 2010

Taming my ego...

Now, I know I keep talking about exercise, but that was really just the catalyst to some emotional understanding, so bear with me.
Normally I avoid doing anything that I can't win at. I'm a very determined (nearly obsessive) and competitive person. I'm a perfectionist and hard on myself. Choosing this running thing is really testing me because I've had the realization that I will never win at it. I am not and never will be a contender. So do I stick with it? What is the point, really?

The run club that I've joined meets 6 days a week. On the weekends we do long runs and on Wednesdays at a local high school track for what they call speed work. Speed Work is a group of people RACING the following: 

*) Run 1 mile to warm up
*) Run 800 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Run 600 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Run 500 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Run 400 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Run 300 meters (Rest 90 sec)
*) Cool down (like 1/2 a mile)

That whole process takes about an hour. It's at 6pm which is about 100 degrees outside and it's miserable for everyone.

Yet, no matter how many people show up, I am dead last EVERY round, EVERY time.

60 year old men are lapping me and patting me on the back and saying "Good job kid, good job" which I feel is completely humiliating and patronized and awful! I have never been so embarrassed and discouraged in all my life. I turn red and I gasp for air and 90 seconds is not near enough time to recover my breath or my dignity. The tears well up in my eyes and it is nearly defeating. NEARLY. I don't know what makes me keep walking back out to that start line.

So, seriously, what the hell is going on out there?
What information am I to glean from these experiences?
Do I keep going knowing I'm hopelessly slow?
Why am I doing this?

I honestly feel like these are passionate gracious people who are simply tolerating my participation. Like how you would let a "challenged" child play on your team out of kindness even though they really offer ZERO contribution to the actual game.

I don't have any answers. I think at this point, my only resolve is to TRY and look at this differently. The ONLY thread I have is that I'm there. I'm doing it week after week. I'm doing the best I can.

That's it. That's all I've got.

2 comments:

Mintzworks July 9, 2010 at 11:49 PM  

Dear Marisa-

I write this letter because I like you.

I want to tell you that you need to stop hanging out with that bitch Marisa...you know, the inside voice Marisa. That judgmental bitch is so mean to you, why do you even listen to her?

What does she do, apologize after each time she makes you feel like crap and tell you she's going to change?

I say drop that bitch like a hot rock.

You have JUST achieved 74% lung capacity. All the other runners have 100% percent lung capacity. They've been running for a long time. You haven't.

Give that bitch Marisa the boot and start hanging out with more positive people who like you for who you are.

xxoo

Steph

oneheavenlyheart July 12, 2010 at 5:00 PM  

I write this stuff to try and shake her!

Putting it in print makes it more tangibly ridiculous if that's even a thang...

Thanks Stephen!

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