Friday, October 31, 2008


The summertime is pretty much over. It’s rainy and overcast today, but with Santa Cruz in my blood, I LOVE IT!

Surprisingly I still have a job and a warm cozy bed with a roof over my head so I can’t complain right? I think I may even have a couple friends LOL

I’ve taken on more work than I ever thought possible, I mean seriously, my job duties typed as 1 liners takes up 2 pages now. And now I know there is a deep sickness inside me because... between you and me... secretly, I like it. I like that they need me. I like the challenge. I like fighting for something I believe in. I want to be thought of as doing something that no one else could do - EVERYTHING! In all honesty, that is unhealthy. But who are you to judge? I have to kids, no significant other, and the only thing waiting for me at home is a TiVo’d episode of Judge Judy, so what do you care that I’ve made this my life, my family, my home? It sucks to take it so personally when business isn’t good, but that’s like extra motivation for me to dig in deeper. I don’t know if I could live with myself if I didn’t give it everything I got. I think I’d look back and say - if I only I had worked harder, got up earlier, read more, was more creative.

The unfortunate part is that no reasonable person can do this much. I can’t please anyone either. Either people hate me because I do the impossible (jealousy is such a bitch) or I’m juggling so much that I don’t get anything done and then they say I’m dumb for trying. UGH. I hate that. I don’t know. I’ve always put my entire life on the line in the chance that someone would say “Good Job Marisa”. It’s never about money. It’s not even about being the center of attention. I know the ulcers I grow inside so it’s not about admiration. I guess it’s about value. I just want people to say “Good Job”. I want that nod of approval. The WOW... the THANK YOU. I wonder if people see that? I don’t know. I think some people think I’m snobby and condescending. No one like miss perfect Holly Homemaker who worked all day and still shows up to the party with a 10 course meal and all they brought was some KFC. But it’s such a double edged sword. I want that approval and surely me showing up with something half ass isn’t good enough, so I go overboard trying to say “Hey Hey, I tried REALLY REALLY HARD, will you like me now? Think I’m good enough now?” but then the opposite happens... and they dislike me because I tried too hard. I don’t know. It’s so lame.

I just signed on to throw our annual company party. In years past when money flowed like water we would spend tens of thousands of dollars on fancy soiree (I have to admit I took 10 minutes to google how to spell that word.. apparently NO ONE knows) at a country club. Well last year I was given the task of throwing that same party for 75 people for $3,000 not at the country club. Yup, I did it with 1 other girl and it was like Jesus walking on fucking water. Of course, they complained that there wasn’t enough meat (god forbid the vegetarian made some NON meat delicacies) and that the drive was too far and that it was only appetizers. (Yeah, chicken skewers and bruschetta and mini roasted red potatoes with artichoke and cheese and crackers and stuffed mushrooms and fruit and veggies and brie w/ apricot jam in a puff pastry and a chocolate fountain and beer and homemade sangria is a real bummer... INGRATES!) Decorations... Music... I even had a photo station last year. I went to Joannes and draped fabric and ornaments and and set up my camera on a tri-pod, it was SO cute. I also made gift baskets for each of our departments employees of the year (Personalized to their likes, of course)

Well, this year I’ve been give the same task, less my other friend/helper, here at the dealership with a full meal for $1,000. Think I can do it? Cook it all by myself for 100 people? Yeah, besides doing what I have calculated to be 3 FULL TIME jobs (5 titles though, but not all are FULL TIME) I just took on a catering position. HA! Seriously, I need help. I’m sick.



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