Meanderings

Hello everyone. As usual I write when I feel inspired which isn't THAT often. But I'm just marveling at the roller coaster of life. Just a few weeks ago I remember things being so terrible and I was fighting it. I felt like I was wrestling the whole universe. And I was reading the words from A New Earth, but I wasn't getting it. I heard them saying that you can't truly move forward in any fashion if you resist what is happening to you now. I read the words about how laboring and nervously obsessing over a decision would never make it right, because worry serves no purpose. In one ear and out the other was the truth that when things are right they will be effortless and you will just know.

And there I was, crying on my bathroom floor. There I was walking around the lake crying, ignoring the present and obsessing over the future. There I was fighting on the phone and begging things to be different. And then there was a light, and a weight lifted off of my shoulders and the answers came to me and I got really excited... I felt like, if things are so terrible now, the grandest most positive exciting things are right around the corner.

I am very slowly being able to catch my mind carrying me away with worry and anxiety about the future. I think I've always lived my life on such high alert... Always thinking and obsessing about every action, every movement, every voice inflection. Considering every possible outcome, reenacting every word and action and scenario to try and predict the future. And then it came to me - what is happening to me right now? As I am young and successful and healthy and walking around the neighborhood with the most wonderful dog in the perfect weather next to a gorgeous lake but i wasn't 'there'. I was 20 years in the future wondering about my job and my relationships and my body and every unpredictable inane thing. And then the tears stopped and I just GOT IT! No one was doing anything to me - I was the one tormenting me. I was the one distracting me. I was the one not living a real life.

Now, don't get me wrong - I often wonder if I will every take mastery over my roided out brain! But the mere act of "worry" is like a cancer. When you worry it changes nothing. In fact it cripples your ability to live in the present moment and really robs you of taking positive action. Worrying about paying your bills doesn't pay your bills. It's resisting the universe and not accepting the present moment for what it is. It has been such a freeness in my life to have this realization.

I'm sure a lot of this sounds like crazy talk. But it speaks to me. I no longer stay up at night wondering if I'll ever meet someone who will love me for who I am. I know me putting out good will return good to me. Me being present and open will make me available for wonderful things.

I started my vision board. Pictures of things I want, qualities in people I want to draw to me, places I want to visit. Then I can let the worry go that they will happen. I simply know they will and worrying about "WHEN and HOW" will not make it happen any quicker or any different. I don't believe in fate, so don't read it that way, but I do know that if you are crying about the past and off in la la land worrying about the future then you will not be present enough to recognize when a door opens and opportunity arises.

So, those are my inspired thoughts for today. I'm living life and loving it. Instead of crying and being sad that I came home to a lonely house on a friday night, I'm watching my favorite show (peoples court) and drinking a nice big glass of wine (coppola rosso) and sitting on a comfortable couch in a safe neighborhood with my fabulous dog. I feel good and I think that positive energy is emanating from me.

I stopped by a local grocery store (Bentleys) and picked up a bag of pita chips to go with my new hummus obsession and discovered that they carry Kambucha! (my new favorite drink) I grabbed a grape one and think it's yummy! What a good life!