Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Thank the pasts for the lessons it has taught you..

I sort of thought it appropriate to pull out some of my most poignant blogs over the past couple years and memorialize then here. I was really thinking about my life these past few weeks and I have to say that I'm a half way decent writer - to say the least. Those blogs truly and acturately captured moments in time for me.

In my ponderings I'm trying to figure out what lesson I am to learn from my current experience so that i can LEARN it and move past this place in my life.

I keep falling back on the "contradictions" I see in myself. I was thinking about my growing up. I have always felt like I know what I "had to do"... even though it was never what I wanted to do. It was like my whole life was about pleasing others and never myself. Like I was put here on this earth to be a living sacrifice for whoever needed it. I could give examples, but it would take too long as it has been my entire childhood. And w/ my mother, she was always right. Even if it was something dumb, like, "I think McDonalds hamburgers are better than Wendy's" the answer was "No you don't, Wendy's are better." Story of my life that a difference in opinion was never good enough. I had to think the same as her. I simply state the hamburger example to spare you another discussion on the bible, hair color, clothes, sex, piercings, tattoo's, music, or ANYTHING one could form an opinion on.

I made up my mind years ago to take the path of least resistance (mostly because I had no choice when I was under 18) and simply agree, but in my head, I would KNOW how I felt, KNOW what I beleived. This is a very unhealthy pattern that i have had for 15+ years now.

Usually when talking to people (people i'm close to), I would consider myself extremely honest and open and trusting and pretty much raw in terms of expressing my true self and where I am in life and my shortcomings and everything. Yet, the contradiction being WHY do I do that?

I have this HUGE abandonment issue stemming from my disfellowshipping. i feel like everyone that has ever mattered has left me. If even your own mother can walk away from you (the one person who truly knows who you are), how could I ever find someone who would be willing to make a lasting commitment to me once I laid bare my soul? And still with the impending rejection, I time and time again put it out there and out there and out there, waiting for the ball to drop. Because once the real me is known, that's where the "terms" come in and the negotiations begin. If you beleive this way and act this way and do this for me, then I will love you and accept you. I don't want to be the living sacrifice anymore. I want to be me and that ME be good enough.

Contradiction also stems from this. Somehow this rejection has left me so hurt and yet at the same time strengthened. I think deep in my head I still KNOW what I think and what I want and I just forge on through. This has left me marked as "selfish". Well, what really constitutes being selfish? Don't I have the right to do what fulfills me, makes me happy, helps me be whole? I don't think I do these things at the expense of others. But it seems like doing these things AT ALL is what makes them wrong.

I wonder if anyone really knows the real me? I wonder if I do? I just feel like I'm as pretty as I am ugly. As weak as i am strong. As whole as I am fragmented. As smart as I am dumb. As confident as I am confused. As fat as i am thin. I hear over and over and over from many different sides that I'm a great person. A fun person. Happy and positive and giving and one of a kind. Cute and clumsy and lovable and adorable and special and irreplacable. Dedicated, hard working, creative, loyal, and talented. (i'm not bragging) I suppose I don't get it, because I don't see where it's gotten me. I don't really have what I want. I feel sad and unfulfilled. I want to know why all those good things only seem to bring obstacles?

Of course, i've also heard numerous times that I'm a hard ass, cold, calculating, and a bitch. That I'm selfish and stubborn, hard nosed and extreme. Sigh. Who is this person that some of you claim to know??

I just feel like a hurt little girl, desperate and begging for someone to take me as I am. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be numb. I don't want to cry at work anymore. I don't want to express myself in more drastic ways either. it's no secret that I'm a cutter. Sometimes things just seem so unreal. It's almost like you need to do it to see if this is really happening. Other times, I just feel like my load is too heavy to express. How could crying truly convey the hurt? Sometimes it's a cry for help. A desperate reach for someone to say "are you ok?". I once carved the word HELP onto my arm. No one noticed... (How special am I again?) Most times it's the only way to help me suck it up so i can go about the motions of doing what I know I "need to do." How's that for a random sharing of my most raw and intimate details?

Well, I think it's time for bed. I'm exhausted and I don't know where these ramblings have led to. Jumbled mess? Hardley the path to self discovery I was hoping for. Please disregard.


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