Funny how the mind works...

Don’t you find it fascinating how the mind works? How it’s trained to think certain ways and to react to things a certain way? I shouldn’t say “it’s trained”... I should say how “WE” train it or our experiences train it. And then they say your brain forms an actual pathway to those thoughts/emotions/reactions sort of like a river. This makes it even harder to CHANGE yourself, your thoughts, your reactions because you start to fight against deeply ingrained grooves in your brain - literally!

Well, let me tell you - that sucks! Sorry, it just does. That’s a lot of work. Of course, I never have conversations like this unless I have a story/reason behind it. As you know, I have some “issues” with religion and anything related to it (ie: the bible, jesus, prayer, etc) In sticking with my usual counterphobic ways, last night I attended a “holy yoga” class (one based on biblical poses instead of the regular) I mostly went because my early morning ones were cancelled and I’m trying to get at least 4 days of classes in per week. I also partly went because the girl who teaches the class is cool and I didn’t think it would be that threatening. (It probably wasn’t the best idea as I had a quite traumatic doctors appt that morning and wasn’t really fit to do exercise OR participate in some sort of group activity.)

So anyways, as I’m sitting there - my brain just TAKES OFF. Like literally a MILLION miles a minute. Everything I’ve ever “learned” is flashing before my eyes. And then the mental battle begins because what I’m thinking is 1) not what i believe and 2) doesn’t really matter because my participation in this can simply be for exercise and doesn’t have to have ANYTHING to do with religion. That does make my Knee Jerk reaction any easier though :( Here’s what it’s like to be in my brain:

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OMG, is a woman leading a group in prayer? That’s not good... What does it matter though? I don’t care if women pray... I don’t even pray. Why am I bothered by that? UGH, i don’t want to hear these bible scriptures. I don’t even know if I believe in the bible. Are all these people here really into this just because it’s scriptural? Why does religion have such a hold on people? Why does this bring people peace but not me? Why did I come here? Why shouldn’t I? No one is doing anything to me, I’m in fucking cow pose, like that has anything to do w/ Jesus. Did she just say child of god pose? Do i want to be a child of god? Does my participation in this mean I’m somehow making a statement as to my acceptance of this? Why did I come here again? I don’t agree with any of this. Am I ok to just sit here in MOCK prayer pose while someone else is praying as long as I don’t say “Amen” that doesn’t mean I agree, right? aaaahhhhhhhhhh
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As you can see, if you read that really really fast over and over again, it’s hard to be me :( How would I ever fix that sort of reaction? Or do I need to? Or should I just keep separate from those types of situations because they are full of futility for me? I think it’s just because my “situation” with religion isn’t resolved yet.

So anyways, I’ve walked away and come back and re-read that and it seems like a WHOLE lotta drama. I think I’ve said too much as it is and I’ll just leave it alone now. Whatcha think?

Awesome! Have a good day!

ARG!

So does the incompetence of the general working public infuriate the rest of you, or is it just me? I suppose it’s not healthy, but I wouldn’t consider myself a person who really trust the aide of others, but I can’t be an expert in everything. There are many times where I am forced to lean upon the knowledge of others to get by.

For instance.... health insurance. What a beast that is! I’m fortunate to have full coverage, but beyond having a once a year routine check up, I don’t really know what my insurance covers. It’s no secret that I go to counseling. Well, counseling is an extra expense, especially if you go at any sort of regular interval. I spent MANY an hour on the phone getting approval and authorization and having my benefits explained to me. My co-pay was to be $10. This was back in October. NOW - FOUR MONTHS LATER I get a statement (not a bill) stating that my Co-pay should have been $25. Is there ever a break? EVER? Another 20 minutes on the phone lets me know that I was “MIS”informed when I called previously. And let me tell you, she didn’t explain that to me in a NICE way.

And you wonder why I don’t trust other people. And if you’ve read this and somehow failed to notice how THOROUGH I am in asking questions and going thru all the proper procedures, you’re crazy. I don’t like surprises and thought there was NO WAY I’d get another bill. If I knew my expenditures were going to go from $20 a month to $50! maybe I wouldn’t have been so relaxed about going every other week. Now look who needs more counseling for her anxiety! :| Major lame!

Did I mention my employer just switched health insurance. So while I continue to pay into my last one, now I get to go thru this whole process again with a new carrier. Oh the JOY!

I'm famous!

Yeah, not really... But i was in the paper today. For the lamest quote ever. I wanted them to say things about how cool the yoga studio I go to is, and all they quoted me on was my disappointment in Terrell Owens. OH WELL! I just find it funny that in like 2 months I’ve been on the news twice and in the paper once. All because I do yoga. Who knew!?!??!

So today is a busy day. ACK! Lots and lots to do! I’m just desperately trying to cross things off of my list. I really just need to sit here and do ONE THING, but that’s not working so well for me. NOW I have run across town buying computer parts. And this weekend I have to get together the books and things i’m going to need for my new “Reading Library”. I’m excited about it and all, but it’s a lot of work!

I am, however, really excited because I bought some new CDs. I got the latest one from Esthero which is immediately my new favorite CD. I also got the Damien Rice “9” one. It’s a bit slower, but really good. And JUST NOW I downloaded the latest Chris Randall CD. In case you don’t know, I have developed a mild obsession with the front man of Sister Machine Gun. He has such a mesmerizing voice. I even love reading his blogs. He’s an educated, yet angry, guy - and generally cracks me up! Well, since SMG disbanded, he’s put out his first solo album. I listened to it online the other day and LOVED it, and today it was available to purchase. Can’t wait to listen to it in the car! That’s the true test of music. Instead of smoking weed and talking bout how cool something sounds... I prefer to listen to it in the car. That’s where it sounds its best to me :D

Okie dokie... I got a bunch to do. Talk to ya later!!!!

Soooo....

Guess who is TERRIBLE at African dancing. Um, yeah - that would be me! I think that was the most embarrassing thing i’ve done all year. Okay, ok, it’s only February, but it’s gonna be hard to beat - let me just tell you. Talk about my inner white girl staging the ULTIMATE rebellion. Move both my arms and legs? I DON’T THINK SO! Now, here’s my dilemma... Do I accept defeat and learn my lesson and NEVER do that again? Or do I stubbornly continue to subject myself to guaranteed humiliation until I get it right? Well???....

Otherwise, things just keep getting busier and busier at work. However, when that happens my brain says to me - “Well, yeah, that’s a lot of work. You don’t even know where to start. Therefore, you should do nothing.” I’m trying to reason myself out of that conversation right now.

Last night I sat down in front of a MOUNTAIN of receipts and vowed to start organizing for my taxes. I got thru the sorting part, that’s easy. But then came the time to get the calculator and there went my brain again... “Well, yeah, that’s a lot of work.... You should just go to bed...” And that’s exactly what I did. Thank goodness my tax appt isn’t for another few weeks.

Day 1

So today is February 1st. Seems like a good day to start a new habit. One of the things I’ve been learning with my Paul Cummings training is that “If your life’s worth living, then it’s worth recording.” I’ve always found writing to be therapeutic. Some of my most upset moments have been soothed by writing in a journal. Not that you could read the writing because I was upset, and I always have loved typing, so this seems perfect!

I am a little upset at the traffic this morning. Since my morning yoga classes have been canceled (I was the only one showing up) I thought i would get up at thttp://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=1282768360622084167&postID=463198166969444966#he same time and head to work instead. For some reason though, I got up in the shower an HOUR earlier than normal, got on the road FORTY FIVE minutes earlier than normal, yet only arrived at work about 30 minutes early. How does that happen? I really hate traffic. Want to hear my broken record? Here it is: “I wish i still worked from home!”

Tonight I’m leaving work early. (You know, 5pm is early for me) so that I can go to an African dance class. My yoga studio is pretty cool, they have everything from belly dancing, to ballet... african dance to pole dancing... I’ve pretty much only tried the YOGA classes. For those of you who don’t know me so well - tonight will be a big night for me. My inner anxiety level is THRU THE ROOF in fear of attempting something I’ve never done before. I practice what i like to call “Counterphobia” where things that absolutely terrify me are the things I wind up forcing myself to do.

Anyways, i’ll let you know how it goes. My day is almost over and I should just publish this and get on with the monumental amount of work i have to do.