Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Universal Divine and Cosmic Sadness

WOW - heavy title huh? Sometimes I have to say it sucks to be a contradiction. I love the wide range of experiences and opportunity it brings, but that doesn't mean it's easy to be me...

I just have SO MUCH going on all the time. And I don't know how to stop it, control it, quiet it. I need to get back to my yoga classes, that much I know for sure.

So where do I even begin?

I sat for almost 45 minutes yesterday trying to absorb what I'm experiencing. Maybe trying to formulate words for it, but I'm not QUITE there yet! I don't know what sort of inner rebellion I have going on but it is raging strong within me. I think I slightly disrespect people who cannot simply just "be" - be still, be quiet, be ok - but upon further examination, I think I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I hate quiet. I find it irritating. Not only am I a talker, but I live for numbing my mind with a steady stream on conversation, music, and television. Having been out of town for some time now I have this INCREDIBLE urge to drown out my thoughts with inconsequential minutiae... So therefore I've decided to sit in silence! Really grate this out until I'm okay with it. I do that often apparently. My inner rebellion runs strong. Last month I refused to wear makeup for a full week because I sort of thought I enjoyed/needed makeup too much. So just to prove that I could do it, I didn't wear any!

So where does that leave us? I DON'T KNOW!!?!?

I had a conversation with a friend last night who asked me an interesting question. (interesting for those of you who appreciate music on a deeper level like we do) What song would I say "is Marisa"...? I couldn't answer. But I got on my iPod and started picking songs that spoke to me... and when I reviewed the collection it sort of hit me in the gut that there is a deep lonely desperate sadness that I carry around inside me :(

To be a contradiction is so hard. I often walk around filled with such great joy it's almost like I'm drugged. Yet, beneath the surface waits for me a sadness so cosmic it would bring a normal person to their knees, I'm sure of it.

So I think - what am I unfulfilled about? Really, I love my life, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my puppy dog, and I think I can even say I love my body, I love my age, I love my everything. But something is missing... Whats so funny is that what's missing is LOVE. I have love, but I need someone to love me. I really do need and want a partner. Someone to share all that love WITH!

That's what all those songs were about. I think for all the tender goodness that I have inside why doesn't that one piece of the puzzle finally fall into place?

I don't know. I just want to be happy that's all.

I don't want to write and write and write and talk about how my mommy left me and hurt me and how I'm divorced now and how my last boyfriend broke up with me. I don't want those few moments in time to define me. But how do you grieve for those moments that really do play a part in making you who you are now?

As usual, I never solve anything here - I just put it up here - hopefully to release it into the universe - let it go. (My fingers are crossed)


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